Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my childhood. As I continue to work on healing my anxious attachment, I can’t help but reflect on how much of my past has shaped who I am today. I grew up witnessing trauma—my mother enduring domestic violence at the hands of my father, the emotional abuse I experienced from my best friend’s mother, the pain of losing loved ones, and the weight of being the first person trusted by friends to hear their stories of sexual assault. There were also moments of sheer terror, like being robbed at gunpoint, and instances of deep violation, like being taken advantage of sexually.
And all of this, as heavy as it sounds, happened in the context of being Black in America—a constant, underlying tension that, for me and so many others, comes with what we know as racial battle fatigue. That unrelenting exhaustion from navigating a world that often feels hostile simply because of the color of your skin.
All of these events have shaped the person I am today. They’ve left scars, certainly, but they’ve also taught me lessons, though I’ve wondered: Do they have to be as damaging as they feel? Or can I learn from them and move forward, not weighed down by the memories, but strengthened by the wisdom they’ve left behind?
Our past no longer exists as it once did. The events, the pain, the moments of joy or fear—those have all passed. What remains are the memories, the stories we tell ourselves about what happened. And while we can’t erase or undo what’s been done, we have the power to reshape how we relate to it.
I’m learning that these memories don’t have to be anchors, holding me in place or pulling me back into cycles of hurt. Instead, I can choose to take the lessons each experience has given me and use them to move forward. The things I’ve been through, they’ve given me resilience, empathy, and insight into the depths of human strength. But that doesn’t mean they have to be permanent fixtures of pain in my life.
Healing isn’t about pretending the past didn’t happen. It’s about acknowledging it, feeling the weight of it, and then deciding that it doesn’t have to define every step you take moving forward. I’m coming to understand that the past is gone, and the memories we hold are just fragments of moments—moments we survived, moments that challenged us, moments that sometimes broke us—but moments that ultimately made us who we are.
I can choose to remember the past as something that gave me tools to navigate life, instead of something that continues to harm me. The anxiety, the fear, the scars—they’re all part of me, but they don’t have to control me. I have the power to reclaim my story, to take the lessons learned, and to heal.
So, as I continue this journey of self-reflection, I am learning to let go. To not hold onto the pain of the past, but to honor the strength it took to get through it. The past no longer exists. Only the memories do, and I have the choice to carry them with grace, not as burdens, but as stepping stones on my path to healing and growth.
"Every wall you hit is to teach you where to go and where not to..."
With love and light,
Sanai
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